History:

Sir John Fanny, disappointed with the storage possibilities offered by codpieces and chastity belts, invented the fanny pack after 45 years of experimentation. Unfortunately, he never had a chance to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

He was killed testing his world-changing technology when a band of hunters saw Sir Fanny wearing his ‘fanny-pack’. They assumed he was some sort of strange marsupial and as was customary for the discovery of any new species, they killed him on sight to see what he would taste like and put his bones on display.

The mistake was not discovered until 1980 when Jansport’s historians discovered Sir John Fanny’s personal writings and research notes. The news shocked the world and unlocked the raw power of fanny packs.

The buckles:

• Are made from plastic, the only substance which can handle the physics defying forces at play and stay together. Weird that plastic is the only substance which can do that.

The straps:

• Combine things at a macromicrocellulaouniversal level, reaching deep into the fabric of the universe to add storagetrons to whatever the fanny pack is attached to.

The pouch:

• We’d love to say more, but doing so would reveal the trade secrets and violate several international treaties.

The pattern or color:

• For attracting members of the gender of your choosing.

The zipper:

• Uses metallic atoms to regulate the storagetron capacitor, also known as the pouch.